I went into this, my first reviewed movie, having neither seen any previous installments of the 50 Shades franchise, nor read any of the books.

The movie starts with our titular heroes, Anastasia and Christian Grey, getting married in a painfully slow ceremony surrounded by rich dullards, and not much else happens from there. Most of their time is spent arguing with one another, or complaining about married life to other people. They are the most insipidly boring couple in the history of couples. They communicate like children, have easily avoidable arguments by not using human words, and I can’t imagine anyone being able to stand being around them. They spend a lot of time flying around the world to amazing locations to take baths and stare at each other. Sometimes they invite people along. These people are not germane to the plot, and their names need not be noted. One of these people gets kidnapped eventually. Everyone yawns.