Dominika, played by Jennifer Lawrence, lives her life as about as Russian a cliche as you can have in the movies. When she’s not spending her time caring for her sick mother in their tiny apartment, she’s the lead ballet dancer in the Bolshoi Ballet company. Surrounded by opulence and leering Russian oligarchs at night, the cityscapes and crammed living screams “we still wait in line for bread” during the day. It may be shocking to learn that things don’t get less predictable from there.

After suffering a devastating leg injury from a clumsy (or WAS he?) dance partner on stage, Dominika is approached by her conveniently powerful, leering (it’s a theme) uncle who just happens to be a high ranking member of Russian Intelligence. After pointing out that the dance company was paying for her crappy apartment and her mom’s ever increasing hospital bills, and they won’t be doing that anymore, he gives her the perfect alternative career: Whore Spy. Yes, the Russians have a secret Whore School where they teach the cast outs of society how to sex your way into the stupid Americans secret plans. Students are taught the fine art of having sex, having sex with people who have been beaten, jerking off soliders, being naked, and various other sundries. When she’s almost raped in the showers the general response is, “Why did you hit this poor boy in the face?” Dominika learns the art of whoring very nakedly (yay for us!) and on her own terms (yay for womanhood, I guess? Is that what they’re trying to say? I’m not sure.)

This is all very important, for you see, there is a MOLE in the Russian government giving secrets to the Americans. One American spy in particular. Whose name I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter, honestly. None of their names matter. I had to look up Dominika’s name. It also doesn’t matter. Let’s call the American spy Bob. Bob has a mole, and Dominika is tasked with whoring that info out of him. What follows is the ART OF SEDUCTION. BUT! Is Bob seducing Dominika? Is Dominika seducing Bob? Considering the movie makes no attempt at hiding how cunning Bob is, the Americans know the whole time Dominika is a dumb Russian whore spy. The Americans immediately work on making her a whore double agent, and it works with basically no effort. The movie will make you think that maybe she’s a triple crossing whore spy, but come on. You really think this movie is going to let the Russians win? Everyone is smarter than the Russian Intelligence in this movie, even the whores. In between this, Bob gets tortured awesomely and excruciatingly for a little bit, and Dominika gets tortured A LOT. It really just keeps going and going. She takes all the abuse, and in exchange gets a sex “romp” even shorter than Christian Grey provided in Fifty Shades Freed. Poor Dominika.

To sum it all up, Dmitri was the mole. (They were all named Dmitri to me. It was as cliche as the themes to this movie. I don’t know the real mole’s name.) In a mild twist I’d hate to give away comeuppances are had, Russian accents are pronounced, and whore spies walk among us. Oh, and a Russian dancer learns to love again. (Not really.)

Red Sparrow Rating: