We pick up this story 90 days after aliens have landed, and boy do they want you to turn that racket down. Anything above a whisper is met with giant, unstoppable creatures wiping you out. The blind aliens’ supersonic hearing is able to discern annoying children from seemingly miles away, and the protagonists that make up the family are rife with annoying kids. The youngest, a devilish child hell-bent on destroying the family, nearly gets them all killed twice in the first ten minutes before becoming a bloody smear on the trail. While no one is looking he puts batteries in a toy that makes noise. You’d think the parents of such an ingrate wouldn’t let him lag behind and do his own thing, but there they are walking obliviously in the front of the pack together.

From this point forward it’s basically a constant reminder to the kids that they shouldn’t be making noise. Generally, right after they were making noise. I believe half the movie is just the parents shushing them.

After one of their kids gets eaten, and the other two are either almost burning the house down, storming off alone all the time, or generally not paying attention they definitely wouldn’t want to have another child in this environment. BUT NOPE! They get pregnant like morons. Sure, they build a sound proof room, but what is the expected outcome? Babies are crying beacons for horrible sound-hating monsters. The mom makes a comment about what kind of people are they if they can’t protect their kids, but they’ve already failed one, and are about to fail three more with their idiocy. The parents get everything they deserve. Of course, all of this is moot because no way could any one survive more than 3 days under these conditions. We just make too much noise.

Every fart. Dead. Every cough. Dead. Anytime you swallowed wrong. Dead. Anytime you stubbed your toe. Even if you didn’t make any noise the furniture may make noise. Dead. Dead. Even if you can control some of these things during the day, you can’t at night. DEAD.

Here’s a short list of other things that are now DEADLY:

• Pop Rocks
• Rice Krispies
• Putting silverware away
• Almost choking on a potato chip like I did last week
• The common cold
• Hayfever
• Diarrhea
• Crackers
• Talking in your sleep
• Snoring
• Losing your balance while pooping in the woods
• Not knowing there’s a cat claw in your shoe, and sliding it on your foot

A Quiet Place is a cautionary tale about having children, but it’s not a particularly good movie.