This series examines baffling decisions and characters from popular films.

Poor old, infirm Grandpa Joe. For 20 years he laid in bed. Surely, he felt terrible being a burden to his destitute daughter, who besides having a young son, had to feed four aging adults. If only, for even a day, he could stand on his own two feet, and earn even the smallest pittance to help his family. Even for one extra morsel of stale, moldy bread he obviously would have, but alas. Grandpa Joe, bed bound for life. Cast out by society. And then one day Charlie comes home with a Golden Ticket…

What’s the first thing this ingrate does? Jumps out of bed, and starts dancing a jig like he’s 20 years old! Mrs. Bucket should have been seething with rage. How she doesn’t bludgeon him to death on the spot is perhaps the greatest act of kindness ever shown in film history. Think of all the bed pans Mrs. Bucket cleaned while her asshole father snickered to himself. Think of the evil joy in his eyes while his own daughter cleaned the filth. All of those years he could have been working, or at least helping take care of others, and yet only does the lure of free chocolate motivate this monster from his slumber. Then, the ultimate insult: He accepts Charlie’s invitation to be the guest on the trip to the chocolate factory. Charlie’s mom has had no days off in 20 years of servitude to her father, and he doesn’t even think to insist she go in his stead.

You’d think that this would be the admittedly extreme limits to this vile man’s almost inhuman hatred of his family, but he was just getting started! It doesn’t take long for him to hatch a villainous murder plot to kill Charlie and horde all of the chocolate for himself. He lures his grandson away from the tour, and together they try the Fizzy Lifting Drink Willy Wonka strictly forbade anyone from trying. As they floated up closer and closer to the whirling blades of death, Grandpa Joe was forced to show his hand at the last second, thus revealing to Charlie that burping would reverse the floating effect. His obvious hope being that his loving grandson would not be able to replicate the burps well enough, and would be mangled in the blades. His foul plot was foiled by his resilient grandson, but Grandpa’s been waiting 20 years to hatch plan B. Plan B was named Arthur Slugworth.

Willa Wonka was no idiot. He knew they had violated his rules and trust, and rightly disqualified them at the end. You’d think the lack of chocolate for life would have sent Grandpa Joe into an untethered rage. Murderous tyrant Grandpa Joe thought he had Charlie right where he wanted him. Figuring this would warp sweet, innocent Charlie into believing that Wonka was the mad man this whole time, while masking his own scent. This would make it easy to convince Charlie to sell the Everlasting Gopstopper to Wonka’s rival Slugworth. I’m assuming with these newfound riches he’d promptly have his family killed, and would then move to a warm island nation. HOWEVER, Wonka the mastermind actually had Slugworth on the payroll, exposing Grandpa Joe’s dastardly scheme after Charlie gracefully gives the Gobstopper back to Wonka.

I’ve never watched the final scene all the way through, but I can only assume Wonka and Charlie lure Grandpa Joe into the flying elevator to promptly drop him out of the bottom, dashing his skull on the cobblestone below.