Solo: A Star Wars Story

Solo serves as a mix of fan service fill in the story blanks from the original trilogy, and well, little else.

If someone asked you to describe the plot to a Han Solo stand alone film I don’t think it would be much different than what eventually is seen on screen. On one hand it’s paint by numbers because we know pieces and results of the story. We know about the Kessel Run; we know he gets the Millennium Falcon from Lando Calrissian through gambling. We know pieces. The problem is Disney plays it super safe. One: they want to make a ton of money. (You can’t win them all!) Two: Star Wars has a pretty toxic, unrelenting fan base. (Not you, of course.) There’s little room for creativity when someone is ready to yell “Canon! But the canon! But!” at any whiff of something outside of a character’s preconceived traits. I suspect this is one reason the original director was fired during production and replaced by a much safer choice in Ron Howard.

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Deadpool 2

Dickpool 2

I think I may need to take a break from comic book movies.

I went in ready to like Deadpool 2 a lot. I really liked the first one. I think I did. I remember liking it, anyway. Everyone keeps saying this one is as good as the first one or even better. So, maybe that one really wasn’t good either. I do think that Deadpool had the advantage of being the first R-Rated Marvel movie since Blade in the 90s. (I think. I’m not going to look it up.) It was definitely a fresh twist on the modern comic formula, and it worked really well.

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Life of the Party

One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. The end.

Oh, you want me to elaborate? (No? Well, I’m going to anyway.) This turd of a movie stars Melissa McCarthy (it was also co-written with her husband, who also directed the movie) as a mousy mother whose husband files for divorce right after they drop their daughter off for her senior year of college. McCarthy then talks in a weird high pitched old lady voice non-stop for the next 90 minutes. Other characters are allowed to speak in those few moments where she has had to stop to take a breath. It’s a relentless unfunny raining blows down upon the senses. Her voice and this movie bludgeons the ears. With teeth gnashed, and the desire to live rended, viewers are left wondering where things have gone so terribly wrong with their life. This film is less insulting bad comedy and more an introspection into the horrors humans will commit upon their fellow man.

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Avengers: Infinity War

I’m honestly not even sure how to review this movie for multiple reasons. For one, there’s about a million threads happening, and it would be tedious to go through them all. Secondly, SHOCKING things happen that will SURPRISE you. Nothing will EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. (But not really.) I would love to just give them all away, but people would be angry.

If you haven’t watched the 112 other Marvel movies up to this point (I haven’t!) all you need to know is that Thanos, who looks like Dickbutt here more than anything, has two (I think) of the (6) Infinity Stones, and is working hard to get the rest of them. His motive is to wipe out half of all living things as a cure for overpopulation.

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A Quiet Place

We pick up this story 90 days after aliens have landed, and boy do they want you to turn that racket down. Anything above a whisper is met with giant, unstoppable creatures wiping you out. The blind aliens’ supersonic hearing is able to discern annoying children from seemingly miles away, and the protagonists that make up the family are rife with annoying kids. The youngest, a devilish child hell-bent on destroying the family, nearly gets them all killed twice in the first ten minutes before becoming a bloody smear on the trail. While no one is looking he puts batteries in a toy that makes noise. You’d think the parents of such an ingrate wouldn’t let him lag behind and do his own thing, but there they are walking obliviously in the front of the pack together.

From this point forward it’s basically a constant reminder to the kids that they shouldn’t be making noise. Generally, right after they were making noise. I believe half the movie is just the parents shushing them.

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Black Panther

I want to breeze through most of this review to complain about a comic book movie trope that bugs me. This movie features that trope in vast amounts.

Black Panther tells the story of a country, Wakanda, that from the outside appears to be a poor farming nation, but in reality is powered by a metal called vibranium that basically can do anything. It can create optical illusions, cure disease, make invincible suits and powerful weapons, save spinal columns, and probably tastes good, too. Traditionally, even though Wakandans are far more advanced than any nation on Earth, they choose to not help or hinder any other country as a mode of self-preservation. The conflict comes in when the villain, Killmonger, lays a claim to the throne. The cousin of Black Panther, he’s seen the real world, and wants to help the oppressed peoples rise up and crush the imperialist nations that have exploited them by giving them unstoppable vibranium weapons. This is a much more nuanced motivation than we see from comic book films, usually. What are the obligations to help people that are in need? Shouldn’t a country with means help those without those means? Obviously, his solution of violence is not the right answer, but it does cause the people of the country to eventually re-evaluate their obligation in the world. It’s a worldly grounded problem, and it works well.

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Tomb Raider

Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) lives her life poor, and is sort of bad at things. In between delivering food on her bike she’s a fighter, but gets her ass kicked in the ring. She participates in bike race fox hunt things that lame script writers throw in to add excitement, but she just ends up hit by a car. She’s doing everything she can to avoid the fact that her father, Richard Croft (Dominic West), disappeared when she was a child. Never to return. Lara has chosen the life of a loser to avoid signing her father’s death papers, and receiving the Croft fortune.

When she’s finally convinced by an executive of the Croft company to sign her father’s death papers she also receives a cryptex. The easiest cryptex to solve ever. This sets off a series of events that cribs from the Indiana Jones series, The Da Vinci Code, National Treasure, and 28 Days Later. Not surprisingly, it does none of this well.

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Red Sparrow

Dominika, played by Jennifer Lawrence, lives her life as about as Russian a cliche as you can have in the movies. When she’s not spending her time caring for her sick mother in their tiny apartment, she’s the lead ballet dancer in the Bolshoi Ballet company. Surrounded by opulence and leering Russian oligarchs at night, the cityscapes and crammed living screams “we still wait in line for bread” during the day. It may be shocking to learn that things don’t get less predictable from there.

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Fifty Shades Freed

I went into this, my first reviewed movie, having neither seen any previous installments of the 50 Shades franchise, nor read any of the books.

The movie starts with our titular heroes, Anastasia and Christian Grey, getting married in a painfully slow ceremony surrounded by rich dullards, and not much else happens from there. Most of their time is spent arguing with one another, or complaining about married life to other people. They are the most insipidly boring couple in the history of couples. They communicate like children, have easily avoidable arguments by not using human words, and I can’t imagine anyone being able to stand being around them. They spend a lot of time flying around the world to amazing locations to take baths and stare at each other. Sometimes they invite people along. These people are not germane to the plot, and their names need not be noted. One of these people gets kidnapped eventually. Everyone yawns.

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