Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) lives her life poor, and is sort of bad at things. In between delivering food on her bike she’s a fighter, but gets her ass kicked in the ring. She participates in bike race fox hunt things that lame script writers throw in to add excitement, but she just ends up hit by a car. She’s doing everything she can to avoid the fact that her father, Richard Croft (Dominic West), disappeared when she was a child. Never to return. Lara has chosen the life of a loser to avoid signing her father’s death papers, and receiving the Croft fortune.

When she’s finally convinced by an executive of the Croft company to sign her father’s death papers she also receives a cryptex. The easiest cryptex to solve ever. This sets off a series of events that cribs from the Indiana Jones series, The Da Vinci Code, National Treasure, and 28 Days Later. Not surprisingly, it does none of this well.