Tag: boring couples

Solo: A Star Wars Story

In New ReleasesTags boring couples, Han Solo, Harrison Ford, Star Wars, Zombieland

Solo serves as a mix of fan service fill in the story blanks from the original trilogy, and well, little else.

If someone asked you to describe the plot to a Han Solo stand alone film I don’t think it would be much different than what eventually is seen on screen. On one hand it’s paint by numbers because we know pieces and results of the story. We know about the Kessel Run; we know he gets the Millennium Falcon from Lando Calrissian through gambling. We know pieces. The problem is Disney plays it super safe. One: they want to make a ton of money. (You can’t win them all!) Two: Star Wars has a pretty toxic, unrelenting fan base. (Not you, of course.) There’s little room for creativity when someone is ready to yell “Canon! But the canon! But!” at any whiff of something outside of a character’s preconceived traits. I suspect this is one reason the original director was fired during production and replaced by a much safer choice in Ron Howard.

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Life of the Party

In New ReleasesTags back to school, boring couples, horror, melissa mccarthy

Lazy Film Critic

One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. The end.

Oh, you want me to elaborate? (No? Well, I’m going to anyway.) This turd of a movie stars Melissa McCarthy (it was also co-written with her husband, who also directed the movie) as a mousy mother whose husband files for divorce right after they drop their daughter off for her senior year of college. McCarthy then talks in a weird high pitched old lady voice non-stop for the next 90 minutes. Other characters are allowed to speak in those few moments where she has had to stop to take a breath. It’s a relentless unfunny raining blows down upon the senses. Her voice and this movie bludgeons the ears. With teeth gnashed, and the desire to live rended, viewers are left wondering where things have gone so terribly wrong with their life. This film is less insulting bad comedy and more an introspection into the horrors humans will commit upon their fellow man.

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Fifty Shades Freed

I went into this, my first reviewed movie, having neither seen any previous installments of the 50 Shades franchise, nor read any of the books.

The movie starts with our titular heroes, Anastasia and Christian Grey, getting married in a painfully slow ceremony surrounded by rich dullards, and not much else happens from there. Most of their time is spent arguing with one another, or complaining about married life to other people. They are the most insipidly boring couple in the history of couples. They communicate like children, have easily avoidable arguments by not using human words, and I can’t imagine anyone being able to stand being around them. They spend a lot of time flying around the world to amazing locations to take baths and stare at each other. Sometimes they invite people along. These people are not germane to the plot, and their names need not be noted. One of these people gets kidnapped eventually. Everyone yawns.

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