I think this is one of the strangest product placement movies I’ve seen in a while considering all the murder and mayhem that results from the group of idiots that star in the film. Let’s just fire up this stolen Apple MacBook, log onto my Spotify account, and sign this person off of Facebook so I can check my messages. Oh, I better log into Skype to video chat with all of my other moron friends from around the globe with no issues. They then go on about how clear the video is on the new laptop. Subtle.
Tag: idiots
We pick up this story 90 days after aliens have landed, and boy do they want you to turn that racket down. Anything above a whisper is met with giant, unstoppable creatures wiping you out. The blind aliens’ supersonic hearing is able to discern annoying children from seemingly miles away, and the protagonists that make up the family are rife with annoying kids. The youngest, a devilish child hell-bent on destroying the family, nearly gets them all killed twice in the first ten minutes before becoming a bloody smear on the trail. While no one is looking he puts batteries in a toy that makes noise. You’d think the parents of such an ingrate wouldn’t let him lag behind and do his own thing, but there they are walking obliviously in the front of the pack together.
From this point forward it’s basically a constant reminder to the kids that they shouldn’t be making noise. Generally, right after they were making noise. I believe half the movie is just the parents shushing them.
Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) lives her life poor, and is sort of bad at things. In between delivering food on her bike she’s a fighter, but gets her ass kicked in the ring. She participates in bike race fox hunt things that lame script writers throw in to add excitement, but she just ends up hit by a car. She’s doing everything she can to avoid the fact that her father, Richard Croft (Dominic West), disappeared when she was a child. Never to return. Lara has chosen the life of a loser to avoid signing her father’s death papers, and receiving the Croft fortune.
When she’s finally convinced by an executive of the Croft company to sign her father’s death papers she also receives a cryptex. The easiest cryptex to solve ever. This sets off a series of events that cribs from the Indiana Jones series, The Da Vinci Code, National Treasure, and 28 Days Later. Not surprisingly, it does none of this well.
I went into this, my first reviewed movie, having neither seen any previous installments of the 50 Shades franchise, nor read any of the books.
The movie starts with our titular heroes, Anastasia and Christian Grey, getting married in a painfully slow ceremony surrounded by rich dullards, and not much else happens from there. Most of their time is spent arguing with one another, or complaining about married life to other people. They are the most insipidly boring couple in the history of couples. They communicate like children, have easily avoidable arguments by not using human words, and I can’t imagine anyone being able to stand being around them. They spend a lot of time flying around the world to amazing locations to take baths and stare at each other. Sometimes they invite people along. These people are not germane to the plot, and their names need not be noted. One of these people gets kidnapped eventually. Everyone yawns.