This movie starts 65 (get it?) million years ago on planet Meep Morp where a conveniently humanoid family is at the beach. Adam Driver, playing Tuvok the Dinosaur Hunter, has to tell his dying daughter that to pay for the medical treatments that’s crippling the family’s finances (Apparantly Meep Morp is a Late Stage Capitalist planet) he has to take a two year science mission off planet.
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I haven’t reviewed a movie for this site in well over a year, and honestly the combination of not being able to willingly watch awful movies to make jokes about combined with the fact I’ve seen a ton of good movies lately made me even lazier than usual. (Which is about one step above comatose, anyway. Plus, good movies aren’t fun to write about.) Well, about half way through this one I felt the bile rising to “write things down” proportions.
I went into this having forgotten to even watch the trailer, so I was totally blind to what it was about outside of it must take place underwater (they did achieve this) and that it was a horror film (the terror was more my time being murdered.) In true Lazy Film Critic fashion, I can not remember any single character’s name. We start fairly quickly with Kristen Stewart’s character doing a voice over (Never a good sign when a movie starts with a voice over. Unless you’re, like, Martin Scorsese.) about life under the sea. Before Kristen can finish her pointless, not germane to the plot monologue the underwater apparatus she is in gets attacked. She starts running, and…well, whatever she’s in is too big to be a submarine. Water is crashing in, which is not good when you live underwater. While scurrying away she and her friend Token Black Horror Movie Character (who appeared out of nowhere) are able to make it to safety by closing some heavy duty doors separating them from the compromised area. Of course the doors are jammed, and she has to do some hacking to get them to close JUST IN TIME.
My editors told me we need to sexy up the banner image to get those important page views to increase our advertising money. So, there we go!*
Considering Star Trek touts 751 episodes spanning 53 years and 33 seasons you could easily do a top 12 or more for each series except for Discovery and The Animated Series. For this pointless exercise I wanted to include at least one episode from each show that highlights what’s best about either that series or Star Trek as a whole. I’ve excluded Discovery because I think it’s too early to fully judge it against the others as it’s only half way through season 2. Instead of personal preference I’ve put them generally in order of when each series ran, but not in air-date order. I’ve counted two part episodes as one since it’s my website, and the rules don’t matter. With that said, here are the 12 episodes I would recommend.
Here are a bunch of movies I watched, and in true form don’t feel like writing full reviews about any of them. That would require a lot of WORK and TIME. Things that I have in abundance, but choose not to do it anyway. Here we go!
Aquaman
This is one fever dream of a movie with cheesy comedy, a lot of ridiculous sea creatures fighting each other, and Jason Momoa shirtless. At one point it turns into Land of the Lost, there’s a H.P. Lovecraft creature that Aquaman rides on, and the dialog is insane. Do you think when sea people poop it kind of just sticks to their butts like when fish poop? I’ve been told that comic movies are only as good as their villains, and my sources tell me Aquaman 2 will have the biggest villain to fish of all time:
I probably shouldn’t have waited almost a week to write about this movie, because the plot was total nonsense right after I had watched it, and trying to parse it out now is basically impossible.
The short of it is Newt is not allowed to leave Britain because of his shenanigans of the first prequel. The Ministry of Magic tries to cut him a deal that he can leave, but only if he helps them hunt Grindelwald down. I think. It may have been to find this other magic guy who Grindelwald is trying to lure to him. This mysterious person is a super powerful orphan magician who is trying to find out where he’s from. Either way, it’s one of those.
Note: This holiday season I’ll be reviewing choice Hallmark Christmas movies. Assuming I don’t lose my mind first.
First and foremost, The Spirit of Christmas is a Christmas movie like Die Hard is. Which is to say it’s not one at all. (I am very prepared to fight you about this opinion.) The story happens to take place during the Christmas season for no particular reason. It tells the story of an unfeeling lawyer Kate, who is less unlucky in love and more revels in being emotionless. Can any living person melt the icy bonds on her heart?
Halloween
Halloween is the sequel that pretends none of the other sequels happened. Considering that outside of Halloween II they are all various states of terrible, this isn’t a huge deal. Picking up 40 years after the events of the first movie we find Michael Myers institutionalized, Laurie Strode a highly armed, paranoid shut-in, and the scourge of the Internet, True Crime Podcasters, trying to interview both of them. Myers treats the podcasters with the respect they deserve.
I haven’t reviewed any movies in awhile, but to be fair I’m the Lazy Film Critic not the Motivated Film Critic. For my glorious return we have the Tom Hardy vehicle Venom to discuss. Yes, another comic movie. Ninety-four percent of movies are now comic movies, and I don’t think I can take it anymore. Let’s power through this, shall we? Venom is loosely (and I mean VERY LOOSELY) based on the Spider-Man villain. Through various property rights chicanery Sony has created a stand alone version that looks the same if you sorta squint.