Black Panther

I want to breeze through most of this review to complain about a comic book movie trope that bugs me. This movie features that trope in vast amounts.

Black Panther tells the story of a country, Wakanda, that from the outside appears to be a poor farming nation, but in reality is powered by a metal called vibranium that basically can do anything. It can create optical illusions, cure disease, make invincible suits and powerful weapons, save spinal columns, and probably tastes good, too. Traditionally, even though Wakandans are far more advanced than any nation on Earth, they choose to not help or hinder any other country as a mode of self-preservation. The conflict comes in when the villain, Killmonger, lays a claim to the throne. The cousin of Black Panther, he’s seen the real world, and wants to help the oppressed peoples rise up and crush the imperialist nations that have exploited them by giving them unstoppable vibranium weapons. This is a much more nuanced motivation than we see from comic book films, usually. What are the obligations to help people that are in need? Shouldn’t a country with means help those without those means? Obviously, his solution of violence is not the right answer, but it does cause the people of the country to eventually re-evaluate their obligation in the world. It’s a worldly grounded problem, and it works well.

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Tomb Raider

Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) lives her life poor, and is sort of bad at things. In between delivering food on her bike she’s a fighter, but gets her ass kicked in the ring. She participates in bike race fox hunt things that lame script writers throw in to add excitement, but she just ends up hit by a car. She’s doing everything she can to avoid the fact that her father, Richard Croft (Dominic West), disappeared when she was a child. Never to return. Lara has chosen the life of a loser to avoid signing her father’s death papers, and receiving the Croft fortune.

When she’s finally convinced by an executive of the Croft company to sign her father’s death papers she also receives a cryptex. The easiest cryptex to solve ever. This sets off a series of events that cribs from the Indiana Jones series, The Da Vinci Code, National Treasure, and 28 Days Later. Not surprisingly, it does none of this well.

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You’re An Idiot: Indiana Jones

This series will examine baffling decisions and characters from popular films.

Not only is Indiana Jones the worst archeologist* in the history of archeology, but he regularly hands his helpless Nazi enemies the items they are looking for without them even trying.

In Raiders of the Lost Ark after being informed of the Nazi’s scheme to find the Ark of the Covenant, Indy rushes to his old flame Maid Marion because she has a medallion that will pinpoint where the Ark is located in the ancient Egyptian city of Tanisha. So far, so good! Maid Marion isn’t aware that Nazis are up to no good, and Indiana needs to get that to protect her AND keep the bad guys from the Ark. It pretty much all goes awry from there, however.

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Red Sparrow

Dominika, played by Jennifer Lawrence, lives her life as about as Russian a cliche as you can have in the movies. When she’s not spending her time caring for her sick mother in their tiny apartment, she’s the lead ballet dancer in the Bolshoi Ballet company. Surrounded by opulence and leering Russian oligarchs at night, the cityscapes and crammed living screams “we still wait in line for bread” during the day. It may be shocking to learn that things don’t get less predictable from there.

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You’re An Idiot: Doc Brown

This series will examine baffling decisions and characters from popular films.

Doctor Emmett Brown is a dangerous idiot on a cosmic scale, and the entire plot of Back to the Future 2 makes no sense.

At the end of Back to the Future, Doc Brown rushes up to Marty and Jennifer yelling they have to RUSH to the future. An exasperated Marty whines that he just got back, and wonders why they have to go at the moment. Doc Brown explains that their kids turn into assholes, and they need to fix it. Marty’s exasperation seems warranted, but it’s for all the wrong reasons.

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Fifty Shades Freed

I went into this, my first reviewed movie, having neither seen any previous installments of the 50 Shades franchise, nor read any of the books.

The movie starts with our titular heroes, Anastasia and Christian Grey, getting married in a painfully slow ceremony surrounded by rich dullards, and not much else happens from there. Most of their time is spent arguing with one another, or complaining about married life to other people. They are the most insipidly boring couple in the history of couples. They communicate like children, have easily avoidable arguments by not using human words, and I can’t imagine anyone being able to stand being around them. They spend a lot of time flying around the world to amazing locations to take baths and stare at each other. Sometimes they invite people along. These people are not germane to the plot, and their names need not be noted. One of these people gets kidnapped eventually. Everyone yawns.

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Welcome!

It seems like every asshole on the Internet has a blog these days, and I thought, “Hey, I’m one of those!” So, here I am! This site will be riddled with tyypos, filled with pop culture references that probably only amuse me, and have very poorly done photoshopped images (I’m even less literate in that regard).

In the mean time I would say that I’m going to not just review bad movies, but since 99% of movies are trash it’s basically inevitable. There will probably be films you really like that I review, and you’ll think to yourself, “Hey, that’s not a bad movie! I liked it!” Just know your opinion is wrong; it is a terrible movie. You have awful taste. You are one of the reasons so many bad movies get made. The first step is acceptance!

Have fun, and hope you keep reading. Or don’t. What am I your Internet handler?

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